Sunday Story...You Don't Have to Say You're Sorry

Sunday Story...You Don’t Have to Say You’re Sorry

Sorry may be the most over used and under meant word in today’s common usage. We drop “sorry” like we drop “how are you”. It really doesn’t mean anything to either party but some people think it makes it all better. Like a single word could erase the hurt of a bad name, a broken trust, or a physical wound.

Sorry can’t make it better. It might take a little of the sting off the hurt but it won’t heal the hurt; it won’t make the scars disappear. As we live longer the slings and arrows or life pierce us in so many places, leaving the lines and weariness of a life lived.

Sorry isn’t going to cut it. Take responsibility as we have discussed. Make it right if you can. But there are so many things you just can’t make right. You can’t go back and get a “do-over” to make your actions turn out differently. The actions you took, the words you spoke, even the thoughts you formulated happened. And those things have consequences. To other people. So what to do? How can you make a divorce right? How can you make walking away from one (or more) of your children right? Just say “Oops, Sorry?” I think not.

This is a real quandary for the radical responsibility proponent. Part of a real apology includes making things right if possible. But it is not always possible. You can do some penance and no, that doesn’t mean a few Hail Mary’s and some Our Fathers. I can work with children. I can learn what makes me tick in relationship so that I don’t create the same havoc and ruin I did the ruinous time before. This is the work of responsibility. Radical responsibility.

You see, I am responsible for everything in my life. I am responsible for every person who comes into my life. I call them into my life. They are carrying messages and learning to me. And I am calling them into my life constantly. The trick is to shut up and listen. The trick is to get the learning. Because it isn’t like when you were in school...read chapter 14 and answer the question at the end of the chapter! No, these lessons are much more subtle and many of them are not what they appear to be on the surface. Especially the early warnings...the ones that are obvious when we look back but not so clear at the moment of impact. Later when we don’t listen we will get hit over the head with the message....some years ago I was involved in an auto accident that was not my fault (yeah right), at least that was what the accident report said. That accident was a message that I forced upon myself to create a decision I was refusing to look at and make. This is the way it works folks. A subtle hint, maybe something a little more clear and then WHAM hit you upside the head with the message. Ignore that one at your peril.

So if I am responsible for everything in my life...how do I make right the errors and mistakes I have made in my life. And believe me when I say I have made some terrible mistakes that affected a number of people’s lives and shattered trusts and expectations. Many of these mistakes can’t be fixed. What do I do? How do I make it right? Because penance isn’t going to do it. I can’t reach inside someone else’s psyche and tweak it this way or that and make it right. So what is left?

What can be done? Again my life is about me. I can’t go back. I can go forward. I can make sure I never do the thing that was so wrong again. But in order to do that, I must achieve some self knowledge. How many people do we know who keep making the same mistake over and over and over again. It may be a little different, some subtle little nuances but the bottom line is that it is the same mistake. Bottom line...You Gotta Grow Up. You need to find some emotional maturity...as Daniel Goleman describes in his best selling Emotional Intelligence:

Being self-aware—knowing our emotions, recognizing a feeling as it happens;

 Managing emotions—handling and managing our feelings appropriately;

 Motivating ourselves—marshaling emotions to pay attention, delay gratification, and stifle impulsiveness;

 Feeling empathy—understanding others and recognizing their emotions; and

Handling relationships—building and maintaining relationships.

If I grow up I will stop hurting you and others. If I grow up I will have a shot at some other life...a life that thrives in the adventure of life. And it is an adventure...an endeavor in which the outcome is uncertain, where great reward is possible but only at the cost of risk, hard work, and danger. I am going to thrive on this trip around. And that means growing up. Growing up is the only way for me to honor the hurt I have caused you. Growing up is the only way for me to make sure it doesn’t happen again. And making sure it doesn’t happen again is an integral part of the apology.

So I can’t say I’m sorry. I can apologize, I can take responsibility, I can do the things it will take to have whatever I did never happen again. And you don’t have to say you are sorry...show me by growing and becoming the person you were meant to be. Answer the questions...Who are you and What are you supposed to be doing here? Then go out and live it.

Namaste

John

“Teaching Focus, Inspiring Transformation”

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